Man : I then U (Sibling Rivalry)
Sibling Rivalry
Parents wonders why their children are so
different from each other even though raised in the very same family.
Differences in genetic, sibling competitions affect the development of children
in the family.
A second or third children feel inadequate by
comparison to a first sibling. Parents do often reinforce those differences due
to the need to encourage self-esteem. That process often results in parents
labeling their children.
A sibling
A sibling is one of two or more individuals
having one or both parents in common. A male sibling is called a brother, and a
female sibling is called a sister.
In most societies throughout the world,
siblings usually grow up together, facilitating the development of strong emotional
bonds such as love, hostility or thoughtfulness. The emotional bond between
siblings is often complicated and is influenced by factors such as parental
treatment, birth order, personality, and personal experiences outside the
family.
Sibling rivalry
"Sibling rivalry" is a type of
competition or animosity among brothers and sisters. It appears to be
particularly intense when children are very close in age or of the same gender.
Sibling rivalry can involve aggression.
Sibling rivalry usually starts right after,
or before, the arrival of the second child. While siblings will still love each
other, it is not uncommon for them to bicker and be malicious to each other.
1 - 3 years
Children are sensitive from the age of 1 year
in parental treatment and by 3 years developed a sophisticated grasp of family
rules and evaluate themselves in relation to their siblings. Each child in a
family competes to define who they are as persons and need to show that they
are different from their siblings. Sibling rivalry increases when children feel
they are getting unequal amounts of parents' attention, moreover in a stress
parents' and children's lives, and where in-fighting is accepted by the family
as a way to resolve conflicts. Sibling rivalry often continues throughout childhood
and can be very frustrating and stressful.
10–15 age
The 10–15 age group reported the highest
level of competition between siblings. Sibling rivalry can continue into
adulthood and sibling relationships can change dramatically over the years.
Approximately one-third of adults describe their relationship with siblings as
rivalries or distant. However, rivalry often lessens over time and at least 80%
of siblings over age 60 enjoy close ties.
The Effects of Sibling
Competition
· Competition
Causes Underachievement
There are many sibling preconditions
combinations that can cause children underachievement.
The combinations that seem unusually
difficult include: very close-aged, same-gender siblings, siblings of an
extremely gifted child, and a family of children with one who is considerably
younger.
i.
Two close-aged same gender Children
Where two close-aged,
same-gender siblings are treated similarly, both children are likely to feel
more competitive pressure. They are expected to act the same; the age difference
puts stress on the younger one to keep up with the older one, causing the
younger one to feel inadequate.
The older may feel
some frustration because he doesn’t receive special privileges that go with
age. The older sibling usually outperforms the younger and will appear
confident. Both siblings compete for parent attention. Recognizing the
individuality and acknowledging privileges of age and differences in interests
and abilities will relieve some of the competitive pressures. Parents can be frustrated
as they try to deal with two competitive brothers or two hostile sisters while
they should be in good company for each other.
ii.
Oldest Child
When the first child
exhibits unusual talent, they are likely received special parent and school
attention, educational opportunities, and multitude of honors and awards. The
child thus will be the pace-setter for other siblings to follow. High standards
are set, and younger siblings believe that in order to earn equal recognition
they must achieve a similar level of success.
For the children to
accomplish the standard maybe an arduous and impossible feat and may feel the
pressure. To establish an individual and respectable place in the family, they
view themselves as model for achievement and attention. Family should encourage
their activities and help them to understand the competitive feelings, and
encourage and develop both competence and confidence.
If the oldest
sibling’s accomplishments are recognized, the difficulty lies in convincing
younger children of their own talent. The sibling may resort to
underachievement to seek attention. Their failures and behavior problems may
thus become their route to family recognition. They manipulate family members
to attend to their problems, thus setting an underachieving cycle in motion.
iii. The "BABY" Of The Family
The youngest sibling
is always labeled the "baby of the family" and it may also initiate
underachievement. The youngest child is by no means always an underachiever. As
a matter of fact, a youngest child is found to be second only to oldest
children as achievers. However, if youngest children are either over-indulged
or over empowered by older siblings and parents, particularly when they are
much younger than the others, they may likely be underachievers.
Older children treat
their youngest siblings almost as toy dolls and do so much for them that
restrict younger ones from developing their own ideas and activities. They
become dependent on the positive feedback from older siblings and may become
fearful of assuming responsibilities or initiating creative activities. The
youngest child may see little likelihood of becoming as competent and successful
as older siblings, and besides, it’s much easier to get help from the
collection of "big" people around them.
What Parents Can Do To Create a Whole Smart Family
a. Avoid labeling.
Although it's obvious
that all children in the family are not genetically alike and that some
children may have differences in intellectual, artistic, musical, or physical
abilities, it’s also obvious that family competition seems to encourage each
child in the family to seek special attention. When parents label their
children, it limits their confidence in almost all other areas.
b. Prioritize education as first.
It’s important for
parents to consider all their children intelligent even if one seems a bit more
intelligent than the others. When parents expect all their children to be smart
and value challenge, the children are actually less competitive with each
other.
c. They provide good practice.
Sibling squabbles
between six to 10 disputes per hour for certain age groups. While these
conflicts can be a headache for parents, they can help kids make developmental
strides in a "safe relationship" and provide good training for
interacting with peers. Sibling spats help kids learn what they think is right;
to negotiate and compromise; and to tolerate the negative emotions that crop up
in life.
Adult Sibling Rivalry Stress
You’re not alone when you feel strained in your relationship with
your family because your parents favor another sibling, or another sibling’s
family. While most parents love their adult children, it’s surprisingly common
for a parent to be closer to or more supportive of, particular adult offspring
over others, sparking sibling rivalry. ‘
It’s common for people to feel that a sibling is or ‘has always
been’ favored by a parent, even if this may not be recognized or acknowledged
by the rest of the family. While it hurts to be the less favored ‘child’, it’s
human nature for some people to be drawn together for various reasons, such as
geographical proximity (who lives closer to mom may understandably spend more
time with her), shared personality features (your dad and brother think the
same way, and thus understand each other more easily), or other factors within
or beyond your control (perhaps you disagree with your parents more often than
your siblings, and they resent it, consciously or unconsciously).
Unfortunately, while this is human nature, it sores more when
coming from a parent, as we think of our parents as people who are ‘supposed’
to love and support us unconditionally, and we may still see them as a little
greater than human (a viewpoint left over from childhood).
Whatever the reason, if you find that one or more parents is
favoring another sibling over you, either by having a closer relationship with
your sister’s kids, bragging more about your brother’s accomplishments, paying
more attention to your sister, or always taking your brother’s side in a
disagreement, it can make for a stressful family gathering with raw feelings
that can be easily hurt. Here are some ways to cope with sibling
rivalry as an adult.
- Don’t Take
It Personally:
Understand that your
parent may not ‘love’ the other sibling more, they just feel closer or more
invested in their lives, for whatever reason. They may not even be aware of it,
and most likely not doing it to hurt your feelings.
- Find
Support Elsewhere in Your Life:
Find supportive people
in your life to provide the love, acceptance and approval you may not get from
your parents as much as you’d like. While we may not be born into families of
people who think like us and share our values, there are many people in the world
that can provide the support that our family members may be unable to give.
- Don’t
Perpetuate Sibling Rivalry:
Don’t
compete with your siblings, and don’t blame them for being favored. Even if
they’re going out of their way to remain the favorite, you can’t blame them for
wanting their parent’s love and approval. Just accept that your relationship
with your parents is yours, and try to keep it separate from sibling
relationships.
- Accept The
Reality of the Situation:
You’ll also feel better
if you accept that you may not get as much support and approval from parents as
you want, and that’s okay. If you don’t come at them from a place of need, you
will actually have more personal power. It may be difficult to get into this
frame of thought, but you’ll feel better after you do. Start by noticing all
that you do get from them, and valuing that.
- Invest In Your Own Family:
·
Don't
Spoil Everyone's Day
Don't
confront a sibling at a holiday party, birthday, or anniversary. If you have
something to say, make a plan to meet together, alone, at another place and
time. Or, even better, say it in a letter. When you write about what you're
feeling, you can review it before you mail or e-mail it, and decide to tone it
down, or not even send it at all. Once your angry words are tossed out in a
face-to-face confrontation, they can't be erased or deleted. You're stuck with
them, and whatever escalation or retaliation they may trigger. A minute of
anger can lead to a lifetime of grief. Another advantage of putting feelings in
a letter is that your sibling can read and reread it in private, take the time
to let your concerns sink in, and (hopefully) respond logically instead of
defensively.
·
Say
the Right Thing
When you're writing
or talking to a sibling about a conflict, focus on resolution, not blame. Go
beyond describing your anger or hurt and discuss how to fix the problem too. If
you think there's even a chance that you've hurt or offended your sibling, say,
"I'm sorry." Even if you're avoiding direct blame by saying,
"I'm sorry that you feel bad" or "I'm sorry that I did something
to upset you," just including the words "I'm sorry" is crucial.
Researchers have found again and again that we not only want to hear those
words, but we seem to be programmed to respond positively to them! Just think
how quickly many of us are ready to give politicians or celebrities a second
chance when they apologize for things they've done or said. And then think
about how hard it is for public figures to rehabilitate their images if they
never say, "I'm sorry.
·
Find
Common Ground
If you're not getting
along with a sibling, but will be forced to spend time together at some family
event, take along something you can both respond to positively, like old family
photos, or stories you can tell kids and grandkids about great times growing
up. Or just keep the conversation focused on the next generation, and how
wonderful you’re various grandkids, nieces, and nephews are.
·
Stay
the Course
Excerpt
and extracts with thanks from:
Sylvia B. Rimm
Grace Stopani
Dr.
Anne Caroles
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