Man : Midway (Assertiveness)

Assertiveness

Scenario 1:

Your roommate is driving you up a wall—she never cleans up her messes, she uses your things without asking, and often has her boyfriend over without asking you first. What do you do? Instead of shooting with a dirty looks (that don’t seem to work) or complaining endlessly to your parents and friends. There are three possibilities:

a. Passive response:

Say nothing, but get upset when you clean up her messes.

b. Aggressive response:

“You’re such a rude person to leave your filthy clothes and dishes all over the place! I wish I had a single room.”

c. Assertive response:

“I was hoping we could talk about keeping our room clean. I get frustrated when you don’t do your dishes. Maybe we could come up with a reasonable solution together.”

Scenario 2:

The partner you have been assigned for a group project is frequently late to meetings and doesn’t seem to do his share of the work. He just showed up 15 minutes late for your meeting. What do you do?

i.     Passive response:

“Hi, let me show you what I’ve been working on so far” [while inside you’re thinking: once again, I’m doing all the work!].

ii.    Aggressive response:

Late again?! I wish I hadn’t gotten paired with someone so irresponsible.

iii.  Assertive response:

Before we start, I’d like to talk to you about our meetings. I have been irritated when we don’t start on time. We were supposed to meet at 8:30 and now its 9:00. Can we discuss this, so that we can work well together?

The Personality

a.  Passive communicators

a.   Do not defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow aggressive people to abuse  or  manipulate them through fear.

b.      Typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else.

c.      Passively permit others to violate their boundaries. At a later time, they may come back and attack with a sense of impunity or righteous indignation.

b. Aggressive people

a.      Do not respect  the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them.

b.      Aggressive communication” judges, threaten lies, break confidences, stonewall, and violate others' boundaries.

c.    Assertive person

a.      A person communicates assertively by overcoming fear of speaking his or her mind or trying to influence others,

b.      By doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others. Assertive people are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive people.

c.      Involves respect for the boundaries of oneself and others. It also presumes an interest in the fulfillment of needs and wants through cooperation .

      Assertive communication attempts to transcend these extremes by 
           a. appealing to the shared interest of all parties; 
        b. it "focuses on the issue, not the person". '

      Aggressive and/or passive communication, on the other hand, 
            a. may mark a relationship's end, 
             b. and reduce self-respect.

 

What is Assertiveness?

• Clearly communicating what you want
• Expressing your feelings, needs, and opinions
• Standing up for your rights when they are threatened or taken advantage of

Being Assertive

Being assertive involves taking into consideration

a.      both your own rights,

b.      wishes,

c.      wants,

d.      needs

e.      desires, as well as those of the other person. 

Assertiveness means encouraging others to be open and honest about their views, wishes and feelings, in order that both parties act appropriately.

Assertive behavior includes:

• Being open in expressing wishes, thoughts and feelings and encouraging others to do likewise.
• Listening to the views of others and responding appropriately, whether in agreement with these views or not. 
• Accepting responsibilities and being able to delegate to others. 
• Regularly expressing appreciation of others for what they have done or are doing.
• Being able to admit to mistakes and apologize.
• Maintaining self-control.

Behaving as an equal to others

Why is Assertiveness important?

If you don't know how to be assertive, you might experience:

• Depression -- Anger turned inward, a sense of being helpless, hopeless, or of having no control over your life.
• Resentment -- Anger at others for manipulating or taking advantage of you.
• Frustration -- Why did I allow that to happen?
• Temper/violence -- If you can't express anger appropriately, it may build up.

Characteristics

Assertive people tend to have the following characteristics:

• Feel free to express their feelings, thoughts, and desires.
• "Able to initiate and maintain comfortable relationships with [other] people"
• Know their rights.
• Have control over their anger. This does not mean that they repress this feeling; it means that they control anger and talk about it in a reasoning manner.
• "Assertive people... are willing to compromise with others, rather than always wanting their own way ... and tend to have good self-esteem".
• "Assertive people enter friendships from an 'I count my needs. I count your needs' position".

Components of Assertive Behavior

There are several important aspects that contribute to assertiveness –

a.      It involves not only what you say but also how you say it.

b.   Cultural variations in what is considered appropriate for assertive communication. 

Many of the components listed below are embedded in a Western context, where self-assertion is considered valuable in developing more direct and open communication and a greater sense of equality in relationships. We list some cultural considerations in the sections that follow.

   a.   What To Say

There are ways to express the content of your message such that the other individual will be more likely to hear you.

i.               Express yourself and your feelings, 

ii.             Take responsibility for them rather than labeling or blaming the other person. You

iii.            Do not need to put someone else down to express yourself.

iv.       Includes the expression of affection as well as feelings of anger or frustration. 

·     Be as specific and clear as possible about what you want, think, and feel.

Vague or tentative statements will likely lead to misinterpretation. The following statements project this preciseness:

a.      “I feel…”“I don’t want to…”

b.      “I have mixed reactions. I agree with these aspects for these reasons, but am distressed about these aspects for these reasons.”

·     “Own” your message.

Acknowledge that your message comes from your frame of reference and your perceptions. You can acknowledge ownership with personalized (“I”) statements such as “I don’t agree with you” (as compared to “You’re wrong”). Blaming statements such as this, rather than a statement of ownership, will likely foster resentment and resistance rather than understanding and cooperation.

·     Ask for feedback and then listen carefully to the other person.

“Am I being clear?” Does that make sense? How do you see this situation? What do you want to do?” Asking for feedback can make it clear to the other person that you are expressing an opinion, feeling, or desire rather than a demand. Listening to their feedback and engaging in a discussion can correct any misperceptions either of you have. Encourage others to be clear, direct, and specific in their feedback to you.

   b. How to Say It

  1. Eye Contact:

Looking directly but comfortably at the person to whom you’re speaking helps communicate your sincerity and interest. Looking away or staring too intently can be uncomfortable for the other person.

  2. Body Posture:

Turning towards an individual feels much more personal than turning away or to the side. A slumped, passive stance makes it difficult to stand up for oneself – both literally and figuratively.

  3. Physical Contact and Distance:

Closeness is a nonverbal form of communication that varies greatly across cultures. In western cultures, standing or sitting closely or touching suggests intimacy in a relationship (unless you are in a crowded space). Being too close or too far away may offend someone and have an impact on his or her ability to listen openly to you.

  4. Facial Expression and Gestures:

Your expression should match your message. When you are angry, the most effective way is to deliver your message with a straight, non-smiling facial expression, not with a big smile and jovial gestures.

  5. Voice:

A level, even tone of voice is both clear and convincing without being intimidating or ignorable. Consider your tone, inflection, and volume when speaking.

  6. Timing:

Generally, the best practice is to respond in the moment. It will allow you to focus on your feelings at the time. However, it is never too late to return to a person at a later time to share your feelings about an interaction.

  7. Listening:

Actively listening and attending to another person is a reflection of assertive listening. It reflects a commitment to understanding and respect for another individual’s needs and wishes. It may mean that you avoid expressing yourself right away so that you can fully listen.

 

Cultural Variations in Assertiveness

The components of assertive behavior listed are provided to facilitate appropriately assertive communication in a Western-based cultural setting, living, socializing, and communicating in Western culture.

There are important variations in interpersonal communication across cultures that impact the “what” and “how” of being assertive. 
a. Asian cultures value subtlety and indirectness in communication. More direct or confrontational styles may be viewed as disrespectful and lacking in finesse.

b. Nonverbal, an important aspect of communication, may also vary. Individuals from Latino, African/African American, and Arab, South American, or French backgrounds may tend to stand much closer together when conversing than do European Americans.

c. In terms of facial expressions, while demonstrating congruence between your inner feelings and outward expressions is generally helpful, it is important to consider that in some cultures (e.g., Japanese and Chinese); restraint of strong emotions such as anger and sadness is considered to be a sign of wisdom and maturity.

d. Tone of voice, too, can show considerable variation. Many Europeans Americans tend to speak more loudly and charismatically than people from Asian countries, but may be considered soft-spoken compared to Arabs.

e. Finally, behaviors used to show that one is listening may also vary by culture. African Americans may not always look at their conversation partner, nod their head, or say “uh huh” to indicate that they are listening. 
The “take-home” message is that what is considered appropriately assertive can vary by culture. Be thoughtful about how your own cultural background and those of others may play a role.

Barriers to Assertiveness

Many people struggle to develop assertiveness because

i.                 they believe that they do not have the right to be assertive,

ii.      Lack the skills to express themselves effectively, or feel highly anxious or fearful about asserting themselves. They may also struggle due to social and cultural factors.

§  Low Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence

Such feelings often lead to individuals dealing with other people in a passive way. By not asserting their rights, expressing their feelings or stating clearly what they want, those with low self-esteem or self-confidence may invite others to treat them in the same way. Low self-esteem is reinforced in a vicious circle of passive responding and reduced self-confidence.

§  Roles

Certain roles are associated with non-assertive behavior, for example low status work roles or the traditional role of women. Stereotypically, women are seen as passive, while men are expected to be more aggressive. There can be great pressure on people to conform to the roles that are placed upon them.

§  Past Experience

Many individuals learn to respond in a non-assertive way through experience or through modeling their behavior on that of parents or others.

§  Stress

Stressful states are often accompanied by the feeling of having little or no control over life's events. Anxious individuals often resort to passive or aggressive behavior when expressing their thoughts and feelings.

Techniques

Techniques of assertiveness can vary widely. Manuel Smith, in his 1975 book When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, offered some of the following behaviors:

a.      Broken record

The "broken record" technique consists of simply repeating your requests or your refusals every time you are met with resistance. The term comes from vinyl records, the surface of which when scratched would lead the needle of a record player to loop over the same few seconds of the recording indefinitely. "As with a broken record, the key to this approach is repetition ... where your partner will not take no for an answer."

A disadvantage with this technique is that when resistance continues, your requests may lose power every time you have to repeat them. If the requests are repeated too often, it can backfire on the authority of your words. In these cases, it is necessary to have some sanctions on hand.

b.     Fogging

Fogging consists of finding some limited truth to agree with in what an antagonist is saying. More specifically, one can agree in part or agree in principle.

c.      Negative inquiry

Negative inquiry consists of requesting further, more specific criticism.

d.     Negative assertion

Negative assertion is agreement with criticism without letting up demand.

e.      I-statements

 I-statements can be used to voice one's feelings and wishes from a personal position without expressing a judgment about the other person or blaming one's feelings on them.

Final Points

One of the most common problems in communication is caused by trying to read people's minds or expecting them to read yours. 
If you want people to respond to your ideas and needs, you have to be able to say what they are, and say it in a way that will make others want to respond appropriately. Do you remember the self-efficacy part from the beginning of this piece?

The belief that if you do something in a particular way, you will be effective? Even if you don't believe that now, but you muster your courage and try some of these techniques in situations that are not extremely threatening, the results will probably be so encouraging that you will begin to believe in your effectiveness.

If it's really scary to think about being assertive, try it first with people you don't know. Think of someone you know who is assertive and pretend you are that person. Once you become comfortable with assertive behaviors in less threatening situations, you can crank it up a notch and use it all the time.

Excerpt and extracts taken with many thanks from:

Wikipedia
http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu

http://revelle.ucsd.edu/res-life/life-skills/assertiveness.html