Man : Nest Leave (Letting Go of Teen)
A.
Letting Go of Your Teen
Many struggles of adolescence occur because
we parents are conflicted
about our children growing up. The desire to keep things the way they've been,
or an unwillingness to accept our adolescents' need for independence, may get
in the way of propelling them toward a well-adjusted adulthood.
The intensity of the love for our children
could actually hurt them, but feel empty without them, to gain by preventing
them from standing on their own.
There is an inherent conflict of interest
between what we intellectually know is best for our teens and what we
emotionally feel might be best for us.
§ Your teenager is in the process of moving away from
you a developmental individuating. It means your child is doing the
following:
o disconnecting
o leaving the nest
o launching out
o becoming his own person
o growing independent
o becoming a free moral agent
§ A psychological "developmental
theories".
§ The teenager is separating from you and gravitating
toward his or her peer group.
o This process is normal, natural and necessary.
o Fight it and
you'll lose.
o The solution is to work with it as well as you can
— by understanding what's yours to control and what isn't.
- Moving Out
i. Teenage travelling a pathway toward maturity.
o All teenagers proceed this journey, though but at
different speeds.
o Teenager leaves the past behind, he or she moves
toward the future and the changes it will bring.
o Look for changes and challenges.
ii. From parents and family and toward his or her peer group.
o This is the "getting ready to leave the
nest" process.
o Most can't make it on their own in the adult world
yet;
o But they need the opportunities to try, "fly
solo," fail and practice
o All this trying can be very wearing on us as
parents.
iii.
Connecting with his or her peer group,
o Just as you probably did when you were that age.
This is necessary to make life work;
o After all, these are the people your teenager will
work with, work for, lead, follow, vote for, run against, buy from, sell to,
marry and bury.
o Your teen needs to find his or her niche within
this group.
§ This quest is usually just as awkward for the
teenager as it is for the parent. It must happen anyway, though. Being aware of
it can at least lessen the stress and anxiety it can bring.
iv.
Dependence
on you and toward being independent of you.
o Not necessarily becoming responsibly
independent.
o Doesn't want your involvement in their life but
still needs your financial backing.
v.
From
your rules and toward advice or counsel.
o A struggle for many parents.
o Suggestions don't seem to have as much
"bite" as rules do. Parents feel more powerful trying to enforce
regulations than when they're simply giving advice, though the feeling is
almost always an illusion.
o A movement that is also normal and necessary.
vi.
From
your hands-on guidance and toward your hands-off availability.
o Teen still wants you to take care of those little
tasks like laundry, cooking, cleaning and paying for everything. And he
o Does need your guidance in those "teachable
moments" and when he wants answers to those "Oh, Mom, what about ...?"
questions.
§ This kind of movement by a teen can be particularly
difficult for a mom when her youngest child is
o Moving away from the hands-on guiding she's been
doing for years of your wisdom and knowledge and ideas, even if she doesn't
even seem to want you around, be there — just in case.
§
Moving away from your
control and toward being influence.
§ The disconnecting from parents, this preparing to
leave the nest is going to happen. It needs to happen, is already
happening.
B. Obstacles in the River
- Strainers
o Not just a matter of floating downstream, it
wouldn't be much of an adventure.
o So it is with the journey to adulthood.
o Just as every interesting river contains rocks and
waterfalls and "strainers" that threaten to trap you underwater, the
path you and your teen are trying to navigate includes some hefty obstacles.
i. Teen brains aren't finished yet.
o The frontal lobe of the brain — the part
responsible for decision-making and reasoning — isn't fully developed until a
person's reached early 20s.
o Between two worlds:
·
that of being a child
(with simple, incomplete thinking and a minimal data bank of experience), and
·
That of being an adult
(with more complete, mature thinking and a bigger data bank).
o Teenagers can and do act like adults at times and
act childishly at times.
- This aspect of neurology doesn't mean your teenager has an automatic excuse for wrong behavior or poor decision-making.
ii. Over-stimulated.
o Living in an over-connected society.
·
Entertainment, surfing
the Internet, cell phone
·
TV show, cables TV and
social advertisement
·
Online gaming and
social networking sites. The assault of is endless.
·
after-school sports,
the scholarship contests, tuitions
o A formula for over – stimulating agitation,
rudeness, being constantly "on edge." Drives impulsivity; with no
time to think, so a person simply reacts. The result: poor decisions.
o When you react on impulse, you're no longer in
control of yourself which not good for teenagers and parents.
iii. Tired.
o Modern life keeps us from getting enough rest.
o Sleep deprivation leads adults and teens to exhibit
chronic mental and physical fatigue.
o Wears and tear down a person's ability to reason.
In extreme cases, it can psychotic catastrophic.
o Alarm clock to wake up in the morning and relying
on stimulants like caffeine to get going in the morning are symptoms of sleep
deprivation.
o A little rest can make a big difference in family
relationships.
iv. Permission to stay irresponsible.
o Due to the increasing number of people in the workforce, your
·
Teen’s generation might
be considered unneeded.
·
The workplace is
already crowded and competitive,
·
So there's no rush to
bring young people aboard.
o This is one factor leading to the acceptance of a
much longer stage of adolescence.
o Culture of not granting teenagers to grow up,
responsibly, not to be mature. Shirking the responsibility for their
finances, decisions and behaviors — not to mention the idea of moving out on
their own.
v. The culture doesn't support your values.
o "Growing up" sending mixed messages.
·
Urging your kids to
stay away from vices, while celebrities and advertisement show otherwise.
(Alcohol, smoking)
·
To abstain from sex
before marriage, while TV shows present premarital sex as the norm.
o Tension between religions and culture has always
existed. But the impact of over-stimulation and the permission to remain
immature make the problem much worse.
o Teenager needs time to think things through and
wrestle with his or her belief system — with barrage of contradictory messages,
it's no wonder so many kids don't know how to grow mature and act wisely.
C. The Right Direction
o Assisting your teenager through these difficult
years, now and in the future.
o Don't fight the river. Go with the flow. Paddle
vigorously in the right direction. Don't try to paddle upstream and fight the
current
o The currents are making your job that much harder —
and you can't control them. Vital not to lose control over the things that are
rightfully yours — as a parent seeking to raise a responsible teenager to
adulthood.
- Navigate through the rapids to your destination.
- The key to staying upright is knowing that you don't have control over the river or its direction — but you do have control over your actions and placement of your raft. You work with the river; you go with the flow.
- In the same way, you can learn to go with the flow of changes in your teenager.
o It's not easy or smooth;
o It usually happens faster than the parent is ready
for and more slowly than the teenager thinks he's ready for.
o But you can go with the flow, and keep paddling,
too.
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