Humanity : Venom (Revenge)
Revenge
Getting Even
Getting Even
There is strong and overwhelming human passion for revenge. The logic about revenge is often a twisted, conflicted, parochial, and dangerous maneuver. Revenge is a primitive, destructive, and violent response to anger, injury, or humiliation.
It
is a misguided attempt to transform shame into pride. Many governments,
religions, traditions, and cultures provide guidance on when revenge may and
may not be sought.
Unfortunately
this guidance is often unsatisfactory because it excludes groups of people, often
mistreats women, generally leads to escalation, is unevenly applied, and
typically leads to prolonged and escalated violence. Choose another path.
Definitions
1. The desire to get even,
2. Retaliation for injury, loss, or humiliation,
3. An attempt to transform shame into pride.
4. Seeking symmetrical injury, harm, or loss
Roots: from revengier : re- +
vengier, from Latin vindicāre, to avenge again, vindicate.
Revenge is
directed passionately at a specific target with the intent of doing them harm
because you believe they have intentionally done you harm. It is the dark side
of reciprocity.
History
During the Middle Ages, an insult or injury is not settled
until it is avenged, or, at the least, paid for, hence, the Anglo-Saxon system
of wergild (literally, "man-price")
payments, which placed a certain monetary value upon certain acts of violence
in an attempt to limit the spiral of revenge by codifying the responsibility of
a perpetrator.
In Japan's feudal past, the Samurai class upheld the honor of their family, clan, or lord through the practice of revenge killings (敵討ち katakiuchi). These killings could
also involve the relatives of an offender. Today, katakiuchi is pursued by peaceful means, but revenge remains an
important part of Japanese culture.
In Scotland, the Sottish motto is Nemo Me Lacessit, Latin for 'Nobody shall provoke/injure me with
impunity'. The origin of the motto reflects the feudal clan system of ancient Scotland, particularly the Highlanders.
The German
announcement of killing 2300 civilians in Kraguevac massacre as retaliation for 10 killed German soldiers. Nazi-occupied Serbia,
1941
Vendettas or "blood feuds" are the cycles
of provocation and retaliation, fuelled by a burning desire for revenge and
carried out over long periods of time by familial or tribal groups; they were
an important part of many pre-industrial societies specially in the Meditterranean
region. They still persist in some areas, notably in Albania with its tradition of Gjakmarrja or 'blood
feuds.' Traditions similar to vendetta have existed almost everywhere. Blood
feuds are still practiced in many parts of the world, including Kurdish regions
of Turkey and Papua New Guinea .
Modern Western legal systems usually state as their goal
the reform or re-education
of a convicted criminal. Even in these systems, however, society is conceived
of as the victim of a criminal's actions, and the notion of vengeance for such
acts is an important part of the concept of justice — a criminal "pays his
debt to society".
Psychologists
have found that the thwarted psychological expectation of revenge may lead to
issues of victimhood.
Seeking Revenge
Why
do people seek revenge? What are people looking for? What do they hope to
accomplish? Why is the passion so strong?
People
seek revenge when:
• Feeling of being attacked and suffered unjust
loss or injury. Resulting in the feeling of resentment, anger, hate, jealousy,
envy, or shame.
• Feeling being humiliated, especially the
feeling of powerless, foolish, ridicule, stupid, or ashamed. Revenge are mainly
against the more powerful while pity for the less powerful.
• The need to “defend the honor” of themselves,
their family, ancestors, or some other group they identify with.
Goal of Revenge
The
goal of revenge is to erase shame and humiliation and restore pride.
What
people generally want from revenge is to:
• Restore their dignity, and increase their
pride or stature.
• Restore the “honor” of the offended group by
avenging the shame.
• Remember a loved one or ancestor. The slogan
“September 11, 2001, we will never forget” is seen frequently and is used to
sustain the war on terrorism. War memorials serve a similar purpose.
In contrast,
consider how the Amish people of Nickels Mines Pennsylvania reacted after five of their children were
senselessly murdered. They razed the schoolhouse where the tragedy occurred to
remove the most prominent symbol of the tragedy and leave a quiet pasture in
its place. Their goal is to forgive and move on.
• Teach a lesson to the aggressor,
• Punish people who cheat and break rules; to ensure
they learn their lesson.
• Act as a deterrent to predatory behavior,
• Obtain acknowledgement from the aggressor that
they were wrong and they feel remorse,
• Obtain a sincere apology and know the
aggressor is remorseful,
• Demonstrate their power so they no longer feel
powerless,
• Obtain reparations; get paid back for their
losses, and settle the score
• Make the aggressor suffer and feel their pain,
• Transform themselves from prey to predator,
from powerless to powerful, and from shamed to proud,
• Tell their side of the story; set the record
straight from their point of view.
Revenge is Sweet?
A car cuts you off. Somebody takes your wallet. A person
bumps into you on the street. A feeling swells up inside: You want revenge. By
satisfying it, you demonstrate that you’re not someone to be messed with. Yet
while it’s possible that acting on such urges may feel good at first, negative
long-term consequences can make revenge bittersweet.
To research anger, an emotion tied
to revenge, some scientists have used EEG, a way to measure electrical activity
of neurons in the brain. They’ve found that when a person is insulted, a part
of the brain called the prefrontal cortex lights up, which happens to be the
same area that illuminates when someone sees delicious food and has the compulsion
to eat it, says Eddie Harmon-Jones, a neuroscientist at the University of New
South Wales in Australia, who has worked on these studies. The greater the
activity in the prefrontal cortex, the stronger one’s urged to react. Whether
he actually does, however, is a different story.
“Humans have learned many ways of
controlling their behaviors, particularly damaging behaviors,” says
Harmon-Jones. Some people can suppress vengeful impulses, for instance. Those
who can’t might fight back with either physical or verbal aggression, he says.
“That’s really what revenge is: It’s
a payback time,” on offensive behavior, says Mike McCullough, a psychologist at
the University of Miami and author of Beyond
Revenge: The Evolution of the Forgiveness Instinct. I
If someone is belittle, he might
respond by insulting the offender honor or virtue or “any trait that’s important,”
says McCullough. “Revenge is a way of deterring individuals from harming you
and maybe also makes known that you’re not the kind of person who just lets it
go.”
Historically, revenge may have
benefitted individuals and their families or small, traditional societies by
warning off offenders, perhaps resulting in feelings of satisfaction.
McCullough warns, however, that revenge is associated with an emotional mixed
bag.
At first it can feel great, he says,
but then anxiety about potential retaliation can set in. Nowadays those who
take revenge might encounter disrespect from peers and could face societal
repercussions, such as losing standing in a community, getting fired, or even
going to jail, says McCullough.
To keep vengeful urges at bay,
“Thinking about consequences is something that we should always do,” says
McCullough, or try to advocate positive thoughts. Alternatively, entertaining
the malice but resist to act on it. Write an angry email, for example, but
don’t send it. Then you can enjoy revenge’s sweetness without the bite.
The Paradox of Revenge
Revenge
originates from the inherent need for self-defense. In today's world, it is
often abused and used as a destructive and futile response to anger or
humiliation.
o
In-Depth Study
There is the need to exhaust all
alternatives before considering revenge, and use only if it is your only
effective self-defense. Why do you believe it is your only alternative? Why do
you believe it will be effective? Describe why you believe revenge addresses
the cause and will have the effect you want.
o
Calamity
Most of the
action plan for revenge often fails because it is an attempt to change the
past. Once the harm is done and the injury, insult, humiliation, or other loss
occurs, the clock cannot be turned back and the loss is permanent.
The value of the disaster to the offended
is much greater than the benefit gained by the offender. The offense represents
a calamity to society as a whole as it affects the emotional well-being of
human race.
o
Force Actions
Revenge actions need future planning and
the cycle of vengeance will follows suit and the retaliation will only spiral
toward tragedy and can only stopped before
they start.
Revenge is a doomed attempt to end
shame and increase their reputation by asserting power. It fails because
asserting dominance does not increase stature, instead it usually increases
violence. Also, remorse cannot be coerced, it has to be discovered. Evidence
indicates that forgiveness increases self-esteem and decreases anxiety.
o
Sunk Costs
In economic and business
decision-making does recognize of “sunk costs”. It is a cost that have already
been incurred and which can never be recovered to any degree. Economic theory
proposes that a rational person does not let sunk costs influence a decision
because past costs cannot be recovered in any case.
This is also called the bygones
principle; let bygones be bygones. Recognizing that you cannot change the past.
The misconception of considering sunk costs when making a decision. Sound
business decisions are based on a forward-looking view, ignoring sunk costs.
Revenge is an attempt to recover sunk
costs; it is an example of the sunk costs fallacy.
Forgiveness is a decision to move
forward regardless of sunk costs. Sound emotional decisions, like sound
business decisions, are based on a forward-looking view.
o
Victim Status
Since only victims seem entitled to
revenge, it is essential to claim being victimize before seeking revenge.
However, in most prolong conflicts it is difficult to identify the perpetrator
and the victim because hostilities escalate over time.
Each side feels they have the most
valid claim to being the victim. It is rarely clear “who started this”. Often
rivalry for most rightful victim status has to be resolved before
reconciliation can begin. The victim needs to have their loss validated and
their power restored. The perpetrator needs to have their moral status
restored. Until deciding who is who, these different needs cannot be
effectively met.
The Paths of Vengeance
Understanding
the trigger point to seek revenge and to resolve our anxiety will constructively
help us more to cope with our feelings. The following figure illustrates
choices and paths to either prolong or resolve the pain and violence.
This
diagram is an example of a type of chart known as a state transition diagram.
Each colored oval bubble represents the feeling you are now. The labels on the
arrows represent actions or events and the arrows show paths into or out of
each of the feelings.
You
can be at any one place on this chart for any one particular relationship or
incident at any particular time. Other people are likely to be in other places
on the chart. This is similar to an ordinary road map where you plot where you
are now, while other people are at other places on the same map. Begin the
analysis at the green “OK” bubble, or wherever else you believe you are now.
OK:
This is the beginning or neutral
state. It corresponds to your being content and not planning revenge. The green
color represents safety, tranquility, equanimity, and growth potential.
Insult:
We were in the state of OK until
something happened to provoked that hurt, shame, or humiliate us. It could be
any number of things, perhaps we were humiliated or “insult” to describe any of
these provocations. After reflecting and reappraisal, the offender who made the
original insult may decide it was unjustified and could later feel shame or
guilt for his attack.
Humiliation:
Your ego is bruised, your pride is
hurt, and now you are mad as hell! You have just been humiliated, and you don't
like feeling foolish. The orange color represents the danger and potential
violence that often results from humiliation.
Forgiven:
Even though you have not been offered
an apology, you decide to let go of the hurt. You forgive and gain a serene
inner peace and satisfaction for yourself.
Apology
Accepted:
The offender offers an effective
apology. You feel vindicated because he has acknowledged his responsibility in
causing your harm.
Legal Recourse:
Work within the laws of your local,
regional, national, and international governments and the by-laws of your
organization to address your grievances.
Constructive Revenge:
Decide to better yourself to clearly
demonstrate your stature is superior to your adversary's.
Revenge:
The need to attack and injure in an
attempt to justify the shame into pride.
Avenged:
The feeling of pride, momentarily, because the courage and
bold action taken against the adversary. The yellow color represents the danger
from the retaliation that is likely to follow.
Retaliation:
The adversary strikes back in
response to your revenge. This retaliation often escalates the hostilities and
violence because of the magnitude gap—inflicting harm is more painful to the
victim than it is satisfying to the aggressor.
Constructive Action
While
many cultures provide guidance for seeking revenge, it will result in conflicts,
defective and destructive. Advised such “an eye for an eye” , “turn the other
cheek” is often commented. A complete, logical, rational and constructive
system for seeking revenge would have these characteristics:
• Help reduce violence globally; in the short
term, in the long term, within the group and outside of the group,
• Lead to a constructive solution of the
problems faced by the victims and the aggressors.
• Inflate the reputation of everyone involved
and reduce their humiliation, anger, and hate.
• Condition that ; the revenge seeking, the
pain, the hurt, and the retaliations would end quickly, permanently, and
satisfactory to all. A de-escalation of hostilities in the short term and the
long term.
• Balancing the needs of all parties, and
grants autonomy to women on a par with men.
• Achieving satisfactory solutions both locally
and globally within the family, village, nation, and around the globe.
• Recognizing that the past cannot be changed and we have only
the present and the future.
The best
approach
§
Life is short, so why should we
spoil it by holding grudges and seeking revenge? A person holding a grudge is
not loving, giving or forgiving, but is taking, hating and wreaking revenge.
§
Continue
a constructive dialogue with the aggressor;
§
Work
to understand each person's point-of-view, humanity, dignity, and needs.
§
Increase
empathy; both of the aggressor for the victim and of the victim for the
aggressor.
§
Continue
the dialogue until either an apology or forgiveness results. Continue the
dialogue until the karma runs over the dogma.
§
Forgive! Let go and release.
Forgiving is a very real and painful situation. Anytime another has betrayed
you, it is hard to just forgive and let things be over. Everyone is out for
that sweet revenge.
§
Holding grudges makes a person
bitter. Grudges are not good for your health because they infect the heart and
pollute the mind. They kill relationships and should be thrown into the
trash bin; otherwise the grudge holder's mind festers with feelings of revenge.
§
The need for revenge is a very
powerful trigger and comes natural in all of us. The idea of revenge is so
common to our human nature. So how can you overcome something innate, something
seemingly embedded in your human nature?
§
Why do you need to have revenge?
What does revenge accomplish? Revenge is often the destructive result of anger.
When you get hurt, you can either use the anger constructively or
destructively. The constructive way of dealing with anger is to use it to
improve yourself. The destructive way is to use it against other people, and
that is where revenge comes in. Dealing with anger properly can help you
realize the senselessness of revenge.
§
If someone hits you where it hurts,
instead of objectively recognizing your own flaw and trying to overcome it, you
try to cover up by focusing on the other person's flaws.
§
Ask yourself what will you get out
of it? What happens when you get revenge? What outcome are you expecting?
Chances are that the other party will again get revenge on you, and the vicious
cycle will continue on. At the end of the day, both of you will be hurt and
challenged.
§
Revenge will not make you victorious.
It will only make you stoop down to the same level of the person who hurt you.
How does that make you any better? Revenge may make you feel strong, but you
are using your strength negatively. Revenge may make you feel self-satisfied,
but the exhilaration of revenge eventually passes and when that happens,
remorse and guilt take its place.
§
Is it true that revenge is sweet?
Those who seek revenge usually feel spiteful, rebellious, resentful, bitter,
hardhearted, vindictive, hateful, aggressive, antagonistic, and so on.
§
Some subliminal messages you can
apply:
o
I am able to forgive.
o
I will concentrate on personal
growth.
o
I am happy with the people around
me.
o
I am content with my life.
o
I choose solutions that will make me
a better person.
o
I always react rationally and with
understanding and calmness.
To seek
“constructive revenge” is to take action to better yourself and clearly
demonstrate that your reputation exceeds that of your opponents. Your honor increases
because of your honesty in dealing with the resentment and your let your adversary
feel the shame by their thoughtless actions. This is a direct and constructive
approach to transforming shame into pride.
Work within the laws of your local, regional, national, and international government and the by-laws of your organization to address your grievances.
Excerpt and extracts
taken with thanks form :
http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/revenge.htm
http://voices.yahoo.com/revenge-im-mad-got-payback-8646305.html
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