Man : Always Right (Perfectionism)

          

Perfectionist

Definition:        a person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection.

synonyms:   purist, stickler for perfection, idealist, pedant, precisionist, formalist; archaic precisian

WHAT IS PERFECTIONISM?

Perfectionism is often defined as the need to be or appear to be perfect, or even to believe that it’s possible to achieve perfection. Typically viewed as a positive trait rather than a flaw.

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfection is not about healthy achievement and growth.

WHAT CAUSES PERFECTIONISM?

   The root of perfectionism is believing your self-worth is based on your achievements

Perfectionism is the combination of these factors:

         ·         Rigid, high parental expectations

         ·         Highly critical, shaming, or abusive parents

         ·         Excessive praise for your achievements

         ·         Low self-esteem or feeling inadequate

         ·         Believing your self-worth is determined by your achievements

         ·         Black-and-white thinking

         ·         Efforts to feel in control

         ·         Cultural expectations

Parenting

Perfectionism is encouraged in some families. Sometimes parents knowingly or unknowingly establish perfection as the standard. Straight A’s in school or flawless piano recitals. Mistakes are also harshly punished in these families. The punishment may be severe, even abusive. This can include name-calling, yelling, shaming, the silent treatment, and physical punishment. It is conveyed to the child, in words or actions, that mistakes will not be tolerated.

Idealist

Young children have a strong desire to please adults, even abusive adults. Children don’t have the thinking skills or life experience to understand that sometimes adults are wrong. Children are at the mercy of adults when it comes to building their self-worth. If an adult tells a small child that s/he is a failure, not smart enough, too fat, or not talented, the child will internalize this message. The child will believe this is true and then continue to find evidence to support this point of view.

          Excessively

Perfectionism can also be learned by children growing up around highly successful, perfectionist parents who model this way of thinking and acting. Perfectionism is encouraged when children are praised excessively for their achievements rather than their efforts or progress.

          High achiever

People with a history of high achievement sometimes feel overwhelming pressure to live up to their previous achievements. This often leads them to engage in perfectionistic behavior. Children who are frequently praised for their accomplishments may feel pressure to keep achieving as they age, which can also cause perfectionistic tendencies.

If you feel you may have traits of perfectionism that cause you daily distress, know that perfectionistic behavior and habits can be changed. It is possible to learn healthier attitudes about your goals and standards with the help of a trusted, compassionate therapist.

PERFECTIONISTIC BEHAVIOR

Many people think of perfectionism as something positive as it is mistakenly seen as a pursuit of excellence. People hold the belief that aiming for perfection allows them to be efficient, organized, and prepared. However, perfectionism can have the opposite effect.

Perfectionism is a paradox.

As one’s perfectionism increases, they are most likely to feel frustrated and upset rather than fulfilled. 

Setting high expectations can be motivating and quite healthy. However, when taken to the extreme, our productivity can actually decrease. Perfectionists frequently experience many of the symptoms listed below:

·      Fear of failure.

Perfectionists often equate failure to achieve their goals with a lack of personal worth or value.

·         Fear of making mistakes.

Perfectionists often equate mistakes with failure. In orienting their lives around avoiding mistakes, perfectionists miss opportunities to learn and grow.

·         Fear of disapproval.

If they let others see their flaws, perfectionists often fear that they will no longer be accepted. Trying to be perfect is a way of trying to protect themselves from criticism, rejection, and disapproval.

          ·         All-or-none thinking.

Perfectionists frequently believe that they are worthless if their accomplishments are not perfect. Perfectionists have difficulty seeing situations in perspective. For example, a “straight A” student who receives a “B” might believe, “I am a total failure.”

·      Overcompensating.

Performing a behavior in an excessive manner to try to ensure nothing goes wrong

·      Excessive Checking and Reassurance Seeking.

Checking and/or seeking reassurance from others that a task has been done well enough or that all standards are me

·      Excessive Organizing and List Making.

Spending so much time getting organized that it interfere with getting tasks completed

·      Procrastination:

Putting off doing things for fear of not meeting standards

·      Avoidance.

Avoiding doing something altogether for fear of not meeting standards.Most people want to achieve success, but working hard to reach your goals does not always indicate perfectionistic behavior. People who are perfectionists typically believe that nothing they do is worthwhile unless it is perfect. Instead of being proud of their progress, learning, or hard work, they might constantly compare their work to the work of others or fixate on achieving flawless output.

Even when people with perfectionistic traits get their desired results, they may still be unsatisfied. They may feel that if they truly were perfect, they would not have had to work so hard to achieve their goals.

Some examples of perfectionism:

                           i.      Spending 30 minutes writing and rewriting a two-sentence email

                          ii.     Believing that missing two points on a test is a sign of failure

                          iii.    Difficulty being happy for others who are successful.

             iv.    Holding oneself to the standards of others' accomplishments or comparing oneself unfavorably and unrealistically to others.

                v.    Skipping class or avoiding a chore because it is pointless to make an effort unless perfection can be achieved.

                        vi.    Focusing on the end product rather than the process of learning.

                    vii.    Avoiding playing a game or trying a new activity with friends for fear of being shown up as less than perfect.

TYPES OF PERFECTIONISM

A few distinct types of perfectionism are thought to exist. While these types share similar behaviors, their motives and outcomes often differ.

Personal standards perfectionism:	a.    adhere to a set of standards that motivate them. b.    motivating to the person who sets them. c.    thought to be healthy, as it does not lead to excessive stress or burnout. d.    less likely to use harmful habits to cope with stress brought on by perfectionism. e.    their goals make them feel energized and not overwhelmed or paralyzed.
Self-critical perfectionism:	a.    more prone to becoming intimidated by the goals they set for themselves rather than feeling motivated. b.    feel hopeless or that their goals will never become reality. c.    is more likely to lead to negative emotions, such as distress, avoidance, anxiety, and self-condemnation.
Socially prescribed perfectionism:	a.    the demand for excellence often placed on people with jobs that require extreme precision, such as lawyers, medical professionals, and architects. b.    Individuals in these professions experienced more hopeless thoughts, stress, and a higher risk for self-harm and suicide. c.    held to high cultural or societal standards and who strive to meet these unrealistic goals. d.    students may be held to high academic standards by their parents. Teens and adults who feel pressure to obtain the type of body purported to be "ideal" by society may develop traits of socially prescribed perfectionism as a result.

DOMAINS OF PERFECTIONISM

Perfectionism can impact many areas of a person’s life, and these areas are often referred to as domains. Sometimes, perfectionism affects only one domain, while other times, it impacts multiple domains. Below are some areas of life perfectionism can affect.

People who are perfectionists in school or at work may take longer than others to complete a task.       They may also avoid starting a task they do not feel confident in. This is often due to a desire to complete the task perfectly.	In the workplace or at school:
Perfectionism can cause people to place their unrealistic standards on their loved ones, bringing extra stress and pressure into the relationship.	Intimate relationships or friendships:
Sports and athletics often encourage or exacerbate perfectionism. In individual sports, such as gymnastics or track, perfectionism may be especially prevalent, since the athlete is often competing against oneself.	Physical activity:
This may include the need for one’s house or yard to be immaculate at all times. It can cause an individual to spend large amounts of time and energy keeping their immediate surroundings tidy or in line with their aesthetic standards.	Environment or surroundings:
Ironically, this type of perfectionism may cause health issues. For instance, someone may stop brushing their teeth because they failed to do so once.      This type of perfectionism may also lead to eating disorders like orthorexia nervosa, in which individuals feel compelled to stick to a rigidly healthy diet.	Hygiene and health:
When a person is perfectionistic about how they speak or write, the quality of their speech or writing may decrease. It may cause them to speak very little or to avoid writing for fear of making a mistake	How one speaks or writes:
This type of perfectionism can cause someone to worry excessively about their personal grooming or style.        They may take hours choosing what to wear or how to style their hair. Perfectionism surrounding physical appearance can also lead to eating disorders or exercise addiction.	Physical appearance:

Controlling Perfectionism

a.  Appreciate the positives while recognizing the negatives

Working with perfectionists can be frustrating. They tend to be

a.      impatient with or

b.      hypercritical of others and they’re

c.      not good at delegating. “On some level, they actually believe no one can do it better,” says DeLong.

(Thomas J. DeLong, the Philip J. Stomberg,  Professor of Management Practice at Harvard Business School and the author of Flying Without a Net.)  They struggle to appropriately allocate their time. “They will focus on the last 2% excessively when 94% is good enough,” he says.

Their irritating behavior is not all bad. There are many upsides as well. “You can’t be a perfectionist without having your head, heart and soul in the game. They’re committed to their work and the institution,” says DeLong. In fact, because of their insistence on excellence, they often raise the standards of those around them.

b.  Give the right job

Perfectionists are not a good fit for every job. Don’t give them projects that they will struggle to complete or roles that will cause them to spin out. Accept that they may not be good managers as they are likely to demand too much of their people.  They are also unlikely to thrive in charge of a big complicated business.

Assign jobs where their fastidiousness will be appreciated. “Put them in a place in the organization with narrower bandwidth,” says Kaplan.( Robert Steven Kaplan, a Professor of Management Practice at Harvard Business School and author of What to Ask the Person in the Mirror: Critical Questions for Becoming a More Effective Leader and Reaching Your Potential.)

Every organization has jobs that require intense attention to detail and encompass a relatively limited scope.

c.  Increase self-awareness

Even in the right position, perfectionists can cause trouble — slowing progress or demoralizing colleagues. You have to help your direct reports recognize when their exacting standards result in negative outcomes. “When someone becomes more self-aware, you can deactivate them so they take a different perspective,” says DeLong.

Many perfectionists don’t realize what they’re doing; others do but aren’t motivated to change. “They know it’s not good for them, but it feels good in the short-term,” says DeLong. Explain what you’re seeing — “I notice that you like to get everything right” — and then help them see the downsides. “No one loves to do things just adequately,” says Kaplan. But most work requires compromise and tradeoffs.

Explain that by setting priorities and identifying what matters most, they can save themselves time and effort. He also suggests explaining how perfectionist tendencies often prevent people from getting uniformly positive reviews or rising into management. “As you get more senior there is no such thing as perfect,” he explains. Show your direct reports that letting go of perfect is a step toward achieving their big-picture goals.

d.      Coach, if possible

Not every perfectionist is coachable but it pays to try. First ask: “Are they self-aware enough to know they have this quality and motivated to learn?” says Kaplan. Of course, like everyone else, your perfectionist won’t change overnight. But don’t let thier behavior exasperate you.

Kaplan says you need to remember that everyone has weaknesses and to exercise patience. “Sometimes showing you care about someone is enough to motivate them,” he says. He also suggests you find mentors who are reformed perfectionists themselves who can serve as role models. If someone they look up to can say, “I was like you,” they are more likely to benefit from their advice.

e.    Be careful with feedback

Every employee needs feedback. But perfectionists may have a harder time than others hearing criticism of their work. Don’t couch your input in positives. Since critique is difficult for them, perfectionists are likely to hear only the negatives. Instead, share your apprehensions first. 

DeLong suggests you ask for their advice: “I’m not sure how to talk to you about how you can improve your performance. What guidance would you give me about how to give you feedback?” With this in mind, you can deliver the input in a way that won’t make them defensive or demotivate them. “Have the hope and confidence that they will take it well,” says DeLong.

Principles to Remember

Do:

        i.      Recognize that there are both positives and negatives to having a stickler on your team  

          ii.    Explain the behavior you’re noticing to try to increase their self-awareness        

          iii.   Help perfectionists see that their behavior may limit their career

Don’t:

          a.    Put a perfectionist in a role that is overly complex or requires managing people

          b.    Insist that perfectionists change — they won’t be able to unless they want to     

          c.    Shy away from giving feedback — instead ask for the perfectionist’s advice on how to deliver it

The key is finding the balance.

i.       Forgive shortcomings.

ii.      Nobody's perfect, and everybody has strengths and weaknesses.

iii.     Try to grow and  learn something new or try to improve.

iv.     Don't waste time worrying about what you can't do (yet).

iv.       Focus on what is really needed..

Excerpt and extract taken with thanks :

https://caps.umich.edu/content//perfectionistic-thinking-and-behaviour

           https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2015/12/what-causes-perfectionism/

            https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/perfectionism/