Man : Pre Knothood (Marriage)

Marriage makes human different from other social beings. Marriage (also called matrimony or wedlock) is a social union or legal contract between people called spouses that create kinship.

The preparation involves multi-dimensional aspect. The first step in the marriage preparation process is that a person does some introspection to see if they are really ready for marriage.

Additionally, seeking to get married should have a guardian (parents) involved in the process that will oversee and guide the couple.

Marriage is the union of more than just two individuals; it is bringing together two families, and thus the process should include both families. Respect for parents: seeking and heeding their advice, when selecting a spouse.

A wisdom knowledgeable mediator acting as mentor as a mentor and opening their eyes to the reality of marriage. A knowledgeable person trusted by both parties is an asset to a couple before the wedding, since he /she could be consulted should any problems arise after they are married.

Problems Couples Experienced

A comprehensive social service system that includes prevention education and support, early intervention and treatment is greatly needed in marriage.

§  Incompatibility

•  It is essential that determine the importance of compatibility in beliefs, culture, lifestyle and family upbringing prior before marriage.

• Each individual's level of beliefs, values and norms will later affects decision making, problem solving, daily practices and fulfillment of family obligations.

• When a disagreement arises, spouse needs to refer to primary sources to the problem and try to resolve amicably, but it still persist a mediator to mediate.

§  Financial problems

• These are often result poor money management and budgeting skills.

•  Poor managing of finance can lead to stress to make ends meet.

• When the wife works to supplement the financial aspect, additional burden and stress on the child caring and home functions/duties and has become a big concern.

• The wife taking up workings will challenge the husband ego and morale as the husband's self- esteem is severely affected as unable to fulfil one of his primary obligations. Moreover, if the wife wages are more than the husband.

• There is an importance of pre marriage discussion

o   future,  current and potential ability to financially support a family.

o   whether the need or not for the wife will work at various points in the marriage and the consequences thereof.

• Premarital discussions and/or money management training can provide the skills necessary to develop a fiscally responsible home.

§  Cultural/Beliefs Diversity In Marriage

• The world community includes immigrants, refugees, and indigenous people. There is a   normal norm in marriage in selecting spouse of the same culture, race, and religious ethnicity.

•  But cross-cultural marriages, is in the increase today and this has lead to bigger   risk for marital discord due to difficulties in accepting  and adjusting to each other's cultural race, religious norms and traditions.

•  To make Cross-cultural marriage work, both spouses need to be committed, understanding and compromising to the multi-ethnic and diversity of culture and beliefs.

•  Pre-preparation for marriage inclusive study with regard to family life, the development of family personality and the building of communication skills.

• Opportunities in arbitration, mediation or counseling should be available to the couple on an as needed basis.

§  Unresolved legal issues

• These issues, which can and have pulled couples apart, may relate to one spouse's immigration status, financial judgments or family problems.

• Spouse may have become involved with illegal activities, financial bankrupt, debt, bad habits such as gambling, gangsterism.

• It is important to be aware of and discuss unresolved legal issues prior to marriage. When unresolved legal matters are included in the premarital discussions potential spouses and their guardians can identify the risks and prepare for the challenges associated therewith.

        §  Domestic Violence

• As difficult as is it is to acknowledge it, families experience domestic violence.

• Some of the factors associated with domestic violence include:

o  a controlling personality or other personality disorder,

o  financial stress,

o  misunderstanding and maltreatment,

o  lack of knowledge with regards to anger management and treatment of women,

o   poor impulse control,

o  immaturity, mental illness,

o  the effects of racism and oppression against ethnic minorities and foreigners an

o  history of domestic violence in the family of origin.

• Effect of violence :

o   Forced to leave their home without a means of support in search of safety from an oppressive spouse.

o   produce a cycle of violence in the next generation. Children watching their fathers abuse their mothers they internalize that behavior and are likely to repeat it.

• One strategy to prevent domestic abuse is to mandate a thorough discussion of the potential spouse's temperament, problem solving and conflict resolution skills during premarital counseling.

§  Differences in parenting style

• Discord in marriage are mainly due :

o   Lack of parenting skills,

o   significant differences in parenting styles,

o   lack of knowledge of the examples of healthy, effective parenting

o   the stress of adjusting to life with a new baby, or as

o   a stepparent can lead to discord in the marriage.

• Couples needs a good marriage preparation as an opportunity to learn about their obligations as parents.

• Examining

o  expectations of proper care of children,

o  how each potential spouse was nurture ,

o  methods of discipline,

o  the general challenges that come with all phases of childhood, will produce strong parents and sound family relationships.

§  Intimacy and sexual fulfillment

• Physical relationship is an important responsibility and is one of the tenets in marriage. A worrying norm that this intimate fulfillment has not been paid much attention.

o   Prospective couple is unaware about the physical makeup of the human body or

o   is unaware of the responsibility and right to intimate fulfillment by both parties. T

o   problem in inability to communicate, miscommunication and secrecy in marital affairs have been duly neglected.

• Marriage preparation education re needed as potential spouses knows of their rights and responsibilities with regard to sexual fulfilment.

§  Illness

• Marriage frequently brings together individuals who physical and mental health problems - like asthma, diabetes, hypertension or a catastrophic event such as injury due to accident or major illness.

• Communications and lots of patience prepare the couple for inherent challenges of living with and caring for a sick spouse.

• Thus, family help are needed to support for the ill. Monetary, kind and sympathy.

§  Decision Making

•  Decision making in a selecting of a spouse, is paramount one. It is paramount because:

o  preservation  future generations (children)

o  future of spouse, happiness

o  Enhancing ties in families humanity

•  The need to include various points of views and inputs from families and friends. As the marriage decision making is not a simple get together gatherings but a life time agreement.

• Aspect to look into :

o  values and beliefs

o  building a personal

o  property,

o  status,

o  beauty

o  moral/religious beliefs

§  Guardian

• The norms without the involvement of family or community elders and without a guardian seem to be contributing factors to marital problems in our community.

• Without the commitment of families and guardians, the selection of spouse depends solely on one point of views.

• The guardian or agent preparation can act as a justifier for pre marriage selection of spouse good sense and wisdom about the potential spouse's personality, strengths and weaknesses

• Marriage is not about the union of two couples, it is about the whole families, thus the guardian sis an important aspect in unison of marriage.

§  Marriage as a contract

• Although marriage is an institution, each marriage is a contract between the spouses. Marriage is a social contract, a noble contract and a sacred contract.

• It acts as a physical document usually developed as part of the marriage process. As any document it needs to be discuss, considered and understand.  It is to enable the obligations that superseded the contract (marriage)

§  Arbitration

• Arbitration is another useful method as an intervention strategy as to enable and provides an opportunity to give guidance as well as facilitate problem-solving and a reconciliation if the need arises.

• An arbiter is important, opportunity for individuals before marriage and couples after marriage to obtain good advice from family, community elders, counsellors and social workers regarding ways to prevent and intervene early in potential marital problems.

Summary

Most couples spend more time preparing for the wedding than they do preparing for the marriage. Premarital programs focus on preparation for the marriage and for a long and harmonious family life.

The reality is that marriage comes with some difficulties and some trials, so it is important that the young couple, their families and the community recognize the importance of comprehensive marriage preparation.