Man : Connections (Family Communications)

Family Communication

A family is like a team where communication is an essential tool for the family to operate smoothly. 
Personalities, communication skills and situational circumstances play an important role in interactions between family members. The lack of communication in a family environment can lead to dysfunctional family relationships.

Communication is not just merely verbal exchange of information in the families. It is the expression of respect, affection and concern in the family. Communication doesn't refers to the verbal alone in the family, but physical expressions, gestures and even an affectionate look can be communicative in the family.

It is through the communication that the members of the family express their requirements, love, desires, advises etc., to each other person in the family. Family communication is very much different from formal communication. 
There are four styles of family communication.

                    i.      Clear and direct communication,

                   ii.      clear and indirect communication,

                   iii.      masked and direct communication and

                   iv.      masked and indirect communication.

Each of these styles has benefits and disadvantages; thus, it is the communicator who has to decide which style to be used according the situations. Whatever are the styles of communication and modes of it, people agree in a point that communication is the essential instrument or bonding factor in the family life.

Family Structures

Each family member has different roles and task in the family hierarchical structure. Ranging from the leader, most often a parent, to the children whose roles vary depending on birth order and personalities. Purdue University explains, “Each of these roles carries with it different responsibilities and expectations. But sometimes one person sees his or her roles and responsibilities in one way, while others see them very differently. Different perceptions and expectations can lead to a great deal of confusion and frustration.”

Family Communication

Healthy Communications
Family communication refers to the way verbal and non-verbal information is exchanged between family members. Communication involves the ability to give orders, lead and pay attentions to what others are thinking and feeling. In other words, an important part of communication is not just talking, but listening to what others have to say.

Communication within the family is extremely important because it enables members to express their needs, wants, and concerns to each other. Open and honest communication creates an atmosphere that allows family members to express their differences as well as love and admiration for one another. It is through communication that family members are able to resolve the unavoidable problems that arise in all families.

Poor Communication
Just as effective communication is almost always found in strong, healthy families, poor communication is usually found in unhealthy family relationships. Marriage and family therapists found that poor communication is a common complaint of families who are having family difficulties.

Poor communication stems from unclear and indirect voice and says. It can lead to numerous family problems, including excessive family conflict, ineffective problem solving, lack of intimacy, and weak emotional bonding.

There is  a strong link between communication patterns and satisfaction with family relationships. In fact, one researcher discovered that the more positively couples rated their communication, the more satisfied they were with their relationship five and a half years later.

Poor communication is also associated with an increased risk of divorce and marital separation and more behavioral problems in children.

Instrumental and Affective Communication

Communication can be divided into two different areas: instrumental and affective.

Instrumental communication is the exchange of factual information that enables individuals to fulfill common family functions (e.g., telling a child that he/she will be picked up from school at a specific time and location).

Affective communication is the way individual family members share their emotions with one another (e.g., sadness, anger, joy).

     Some families function extremely well with instrumental communication, yet have great difficulty with affective communication. Healthy families are able to communicate well in both areas. Affective communication refers to how individual family members share their emotions with one another.

Clear vs. Masked and Direct vs. Indirect Communication

Communication can be clear or masked and direct or indirect. Clear communication occurs when messages are spoken plainly and the content is easily understood by other family members. Masked communication occurs when the message is muddied or vague.

Communication is direct if the person spoken to is the person for whom the message is intended. In contrast, communication is indirect if the message is not directed to the person for

Four Styles of Communication

There are four styles of communication.

1.       Clear and Direct Communication

     Clear and direct communication is the healthiest form of communication and occurs when the message is stated plainly and directly to the appropriate family member.

     An example of this style of communication is when a father, disappointed about his son failing to complete his chore, states, "Son, I'm disappointed that you forgot to take out the trash today without my having to remind you."

2.       Clear and Indirect Communication

      The message is clear, but it is not directed to the person for whom it is intended. Using the previous example, the father might say, "It's disappointing when people forget to complete their chores." In this message the son may not know that his father is referring to him.

3.       Masked and Direct Communication

      Masked and direct communication occurs when the content of the message is unclear, but directed to the appropriate family member. The father in our example may say something like, "Son, people just don't work as hard as they used to."

4.       Masked and Indirect Communication

       Masked and indirect communication occurs when both the message and intended recipient are unclear. In unhealthy family relationships, communication tends to be very masked and indirect. An example of this type of communication might be the father stating, "The youth of today are very lazy."

Problems With Lack of Family Communication

        Today’s families are more disconnected than ever. Even in a modern world of the 21^st Century communication as a mean relationship is struggling to be connected with each other. 
        Rick Peterson of Virginia Tech describes family communication as, “...the way verbal and non-verbal information is exchanged between family members... Communication involves the ability to pay attention to what others are thinking and feeling.” There are several serious challenges facing family communication today.

a.       Parent-Child Communication

     Lack of communication between parents and children leads to problems related to everything from schooling to sleeping. Communication difficulties between a child and parent can contribute to the child's rebelliousness. When your child rebels, it is important to establish an active line of communication. Ineffective or negative communication between parents and children lead children to believe they are unimportant, ignored or misunderstood, and sees their parents as unhelpful and untrustworthy.

b.   Spousal Communication

    Communication problems between spouses lead to misunderstanding and suspicion and compounding if poor communication continues. They can lead to jealousy, accusations and arguments about everything from money to child raising issues. Communication is important in spousal relationships, the lack of communication will increase misunderstandings, and your relationship may deteriorate.

c.     Siblings

   Relationships between siblings can be rewarding and enjoyable. However, poor communication can cause arguing, fighting and sibling rivalry. The ability of siblings to build healthy relationships with each other depends on good communication. Teaching children to express anger safely and appropriately is important. It is vital to encourage cooperation between siblings rather than competition, and value each child's uniqueness.

d.   Time

   Patricia Homes “As the pace of life continues to accelerate, it can be more difficult to find time to share everyday feelings with family members. Concerns about work, relationships, and money can add to the stress in a family life experiences. Communication is the process of giving and receiving information but in reality it is a very complicated process.

    Due to its complicated process, it takes time and attention to process it well. Busyness is one of the key contributors to a lack of family communication. Learn to unplug some of the day to day roster to foster good communication in the family. Turn off phone, stop checking the email, and be relaxed from the daily grind. Initially it can be difficult, but like any habit learning to unplug takes time and perseverance.

e.   Eating together

   Families today spend less and less time eating together. It may not be important, but time spent around the dinner table can naturally foster communication. Sitting down to eat together is a good “excuse” to turn the phones, Game boys, e-mail, and TV off. Dinners can contribute to increased communication.

f.     Traditions

   Another cause for the dysfunctional and negative communication maybe due to the slack in traditions and routines in the families. Every family should have activities that they enjoy together and that become a regular, predictable, and integral part of their lives. Some serious pursuits, like attending community functions or religious services as a family; others can be more lighthearted, like going fishing. Whatever they are, they can help bond a family together.
   In no other relationship will the need for effective communication be more important than in your own family. However, it is important to know that as much as family members love each other, when communication skills are poor, relationships will suffer. With diligent effort, your family can work together to overcome the problems that interfere with good family communication.

g.    Listening Skills

   A poor listener is another flaw that exists in the family members leading to family members feeling uncomfortable coming with their problems. Listening well is more than merely hearing the words that are being said. Responding to, making eye contact or responding appropriately. Giving your undivided attention and your empathy when talking to you.  Focus and listen earnestly on the speaker and respond well to the words said.

h.   Taking Turns

   The art is discussion is a dying art as family now live in isolation and more private life are attached in life. Expressing one thought and views have been blurred by outright veto and head strong stance.

   Discussion is one important mode of communications. More so with weekly meetings where family members take turns to respond to problematic discussion in the family more so if it is controversial.

i.      Verbal Attacks and Criticism

   Another problem in family communication is verbal attacks and criticism. When a family member confess for a mistake he/she has done, they are threaten, belittle or name calling which will results in emotional shutdown, which will lead one-sided conversation and lead angry and defensive argument. Either way, the end result is a hurt feeling, and the family member will lead to anger, disappointment or frustration Choose to have your conversation at a time when you have better control of your emotions.

Improving communications

Here are a few important ways to build healthy communication.

• Be available: Make time in everyone's busy schedule to stop and talk about things. Even 10 minutes a day without distractions for you and your family member to talk can make a big difference in forming good communication habits. Turn off the television or radio. Give your undivided attention to your family member. Sit down and look at your family member while you talk. Those few minutes a day can be of great value.
• Be a good listener: When you listen to your family member, you help your family member feel loved and valued. Ask your family member about his feelings on a subject. If you are not clear about what your family member is saying, repeat what you are hearing to be sure that you understand what your family member is trying to say. You do not have to agree with what your family member is saying, be a good listener. Sharing his thoughts with you helps your family member calm down, so later listen to you.
• Show empathy: This means tuning in to your family member feelings and letting know you understand. If your family member  is sad or upset, a gentle touch or hug may let family member know that you understand those sad or bad feelings. Do not tell your other family member what he/she thinks or feels. Let the family member express those feelings. And be sure not to minimize these feelings by saying things like, "It's silly to feel that way," or "You'll understand when you get older." Feelings are real to and should be respected.
• Be a good role model: Remember, human learn by example. Use words and tones in your voice that you want your family member to use. Make sure that your tone of voice and what you do send the same message. For example, if you laugh when you say, "No, don't do that," the message will be confusing. Be clear in your directions. Once you get the message across, do not wear out your point. If you use words to describe your feelings, it will help your family member to learn to do the same. When parents use feeling words, such as, "It makes me feel sad when you won't do what I ask you to do," instead of screaming or name calling.

More Tips To Improve Communication

Do

• Give clear, age-appropriate directions such as, "When we go to the store I expect you to be polite and stay with me." Make sure your family member understands what you have said. Sometimes family member do not fully understand the meanings of words they hear and use.
• Praise your family member whenever you can.
• Calmly communicate your feelings.
• Be truthful.
• Listen carefully to what your family member says.
• Use your talking times as teachable moments – do not miss opportunities to show your family member healthy communication.
• Model what you want your family member to do – practice what you preach.
• Make sure that when you are upset with your family member, she knows that it is her behavior that is the problem, not the family member.

Don't

• Give broad, general instructions such as, "You'd better be good!"
• Name call or blame. "You are bad" should be replaced with "I don't like the way you are acting."
• Yell or threaten.
• Lie or tell your family member half-truths.
• Use silence to express strong feelings. Long silences frighten and confuse children.

Keeping Your Cool

    There are times when all parents feel that they are out of patience. However, it is always important to find ways to help your family member to behave without hurting her feelings. Here are a few ways to calm yourself when you feel stressed, before you try to talk with your family member.

• Take a few deep breaths very slowly.
• Wait 5 minutes before starting to talk to your family member.
• Try to find a word to label what you are feeling (such as "disappointment"). Say it to yourself and be sure that it is appropriate for your family member.
• Share your feelings of frustration with your spouse or a friend.
• Do not hold grudges. Deal only with the present.
• Seek professional help if you feel that you have lost control.

Healthy communication with your family member is one of the most important and rewarding skills that you can develop as a parent. It also makes the tough parts of parenting (such as disciplining) much easier and more effective.

Excerpt and extracts with thanks from:

www.livestrong.com/article/98829-family-communication-problems

www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/pages/Improving-Family-Communications

Wikipedia

www.prokerala.com/relationships/family/communication-within-family.php