Man : Only You (An Only Child)

     An only child is a person with no siblings, either biological or adopted. In a family, first-borns may be considered an only children having similar early family environment.

      The term only child is generally applied only to those individuals who never have siblings. Children with much older siblings (generally ten or more years) may also have a similar family environment to only children.

 

I.     Characteristics of an Only Child

      An only child can have an :

§  interesting variety of characteristics.

o   perfectionists;

o   they have great organizational skills, and

o   lofty goals for achievement. On the other hand, they may

o   be carefree,

o   funny,

o   creative, and

o   a bit self centered, much like a youngest child. It is this mixture of characteristics that can make raising your only child such a challenge.

§  The first born child or an only child get many benefits :

o   lavished with attention and

o   times spoiled,

o   getting whatever they want,

o   not learning much discipline.

§  The way parents teach, respect and discipline first/only child discipline, the outcome will be seen much later in life.

§  If the child stays an only child, the child in real will depend on their parents.

II.     Parent Rational 

§  Only Chance

·         The only child is first and last child and so is the only chance at parenting. Thus they

·         Take this charge very seriously as wants to do right and can high-pressure parenting.

§  Bonding

·         Parents are free to give all their attention and devote all their time towards the one child.

§  Oblige Right

·         Doesn't want to make mistakes at the child's expense and so are very conscientious and deliberate in their parenting.

·         The child feels obliged to do always right as everyone is trying extremely hard to do their best by each other.

§  Sole Beneficiary

·         The only child gets the entire social, emotional, and material resources those parents have to provide.

·         The sole beneficiary as parenting is a high investment in nurturing and providing for the child, they often have a high expectation of return.

·         They expect the child to turn out well. In response, only children tend to want to perform well for their parents.

§  Unrivalled

·         Has unrivalled access to parents and everything they provide. No siblings to connect, to compare to, to compete against, or to conflict with, the child becomes "adultized" (socially and verbally).

III.     Adolescent Only Child Characteristics’

§  Self Conscious

• Feel socially self-conscious, and value privacy, due to being sole focus of unrelenting parental scrutiny;

• Emotionally sensitive after years,  used to the emotionally sensitive and sensitized relationship with parents;

• To be over possessive of belongings (from not having to share) of space and time alone for themselves;

• Too obedient to social authority as brought up, all  matter need parental approval and learning early how to get on well with adults;

• Low susceptibility to peer pressure from being highly committed to self-interest;

• Prone to stress from self-imposed pressure for right conduct, responsible behavior, and high accomplishment;

§  Perfectionism

• Sensitive to disapproval and be self-critical when standards of conduct and performance are not met;

• Have a strong sense of what is "right" and "wrong" due to closely identifying with parental standards and values;

• Prefer order and constancy to surprise and change from parents who often organize family life based on planning and predictability;

• Seriously responsible and conscientious and careful, as the parents who, is serious in upbringing an only child

• High controlling and being anxious about making mistakes and not measuring up to high performance standards set.

§  Attention

• Like social attention from being the center of family attention at home;

• Deeply knowing of parents from the family intimacy they have shared, their good sides and not so good;

• Uncomfortable with conflict due to not having the rough and tumble, push and shove competition with siblings, or much serious disharmony with parents;

• Dependent and relying on parents for their emotional support

§  Close knit friendship

• Prefer the company of a "family", few close friends after years, being used to the close and satisfying companionship of parents;

• Strong attachment to parents, often carrying a sense of obligation and responsibility for their care;

• Reluctant to share joint decision-making in relationships where the outcome could affect well being;

• Content with own companionship after spending a lot of time in the family alone.

• Comfortable communicating with adults from learning how to socialize on adult terms with parents and parental friends.

§  Assertive

• Strong-willed (stubborn and persistent) after being given too much support and empowerment;

• Ambitious for achievement  from wanting to live up to parental expectations and to invest to do well in themselves

• To pursue a strong sense of personal agenda for themselves and be independent in that way;

IV.     Raising an "Only" Child

There are unique benefits and challenges to parenting an only child. Finding the right balance as only child has a personality all their own, and

As parent, you need to learn to work with your child's unique characteristics in a way that will help them develop into a successful and responsible adult.

a)    Effective "Only" Child Parenting

§  Help Them Build Friendships with Others

·         The child doesn't have siblings to interact with, so a need to draw them out socially.

o   Preschool for your child.

o   Schedule some play dates.

o   Older child, get them involved in after-school activities. Focus on social skills with your child as well.

o   Teach them to compromise, be considerate of others, and to share.

§  Set Boundaries for Your Child

        An only child can be

·         Quite bossy and your child may even try dictating your actions. Start with good boundaries.

o   Explaining how they are to behave

o   Let them know that some actions are not tolerated. Boundaries are important.

o   To make your child feel secure and let your child know that life will have boundaries once they are adults as well.

§  Teach Them to Be Responsible

• You also need to teach your only child to be responsible.

o   It is very easy for parents to pamper an only child.

o   Do not clean their room or avoid giving them chores.

o   Give them age appropriate tasks to complete. This will teach them to be responsible, a life skill that will be important as they grow up.

§  Avoid Being Critical

• It can be quite easy to criticize the child for a mistake.

• Discipline needs loving way to be handled as shared task. Do not want to make your child feel like you are ganging up on him and being critical.

• Mistakes do happen needing discipline from time to time,

o   make it constructive and

o   avoid too much criticism, which can be discouraging to your child.

§  Avoid Overindulging Your Child

• Avoid overindulgence in raising an only child.

o   Purchasing many toys and other items for their child.

• The child will become even more demanding. From time to time buy things for your child. Just avoid going overboard and spoiling your child.

§  Encourage Your Child to Be Independent

• Raise and encouraged them to be independent.

o   Easy to help your child with everything, but this will only makes your child dependent upon you.

• Help when they need it, allows your child to make some mistakes to learn. Do not allow to grow up without a proper amount of independence.

Below is an excerpt from the Blog written by an Only Child…

§  We have the tendency to cut people out of our lives—entire groups of people even—without a sense of remorse or grief.

§  We draw a line in the sandbox, this is mine, this yours. But our sense of justice is clear and unrelenting—the world falls into right and wrong easily for most of us. The sandbox, then, is pretty symmetrically divided. We do this because we’re only children, and solitude is our foundation.

§  I know several only children—we kind of attract each other. We’re the honey and the flies. We don’t need anybody else.

§  Okay, that’s wrong. We DO, we DO need other people. We need friends and love and all that jazz, but we prefer to outweigh socializing with solitude. Sorry, no offense, we just can’t help it.

§  We NEED the intense me-time in order to be able to deal with you because frankly, dealing with you is annoying. You have needs and wants and demand compromise and you can’t read our minds, which means we have to communicate our own thoughts and feelings.

§  The whole interaction gets overly complicated and we tend, then, to run off and hide, or to mentally check out, or to pick a fight just so we can have things OUR way.