Man : Sorry (Apology)
Apology
v An
expression of remorse or regret for having said or done something that harmed
another:
v an
instance of apologizing (saying that one is sorry ).
§
‘Sorry seems to be the hardest word’ - these few words by Elton John
§
Interesting thought:
a) While
it’s true that the mistakes others make can make our lives difficult
b) Hanging
on to our anger about those mistakes
c) Failing
to forgive has a far greater negative impact on us over time than the mistake
itself
§ Our relationship with the offender
i.
Cannot be well leveraged (for innovation)
through the mist of anger.
ii. Our
own thought process is impeded — decreasing our creativity — when we are in the
zone of anger and judgment and
iii. Crowding
our cognitive capacity with the noise of vengeance
§ Vengeance may seem like a strong word.
·
We’ll be talking in the extremes.
·
These attitudes and behaviours will continue
and that we all live on.
·
When not clouded with feelings of anger, our
attention can turn to empathizing with the other person and their behavior.
§ For forgiveness to take root,
a. There
must be an acceptance that there were legitimate causal factors which drove the
other person(s) behavior
b. We
might not fully understand the reasons that drove other’s behavior, but the
reasons are there for sure.
c. The
past is over. It cannot be changed. Only the future can. We determine our
future through the behaviors and thoughts we choose to have at this moment in
response to the events that have already occurred.
d. For
forgiveness to take root there must be an acceptance that there were legitimate
causal factors which drove the other person(s) behavior.
§ The first move down this pathway is an internal
one. It’s choosing — asserting your will — to gracefully let go of
the retelling of the “I’ve been violated” story and replace it.
§ That is open to growth for yourself. When this
shift in story occurs, it is accompanied by a shift in feelings. A movement
away from anger, toward calmness.
Forgiveness Fuel
|
Vengeance Fuel
|
Tale of not apologizing
- Pride.
§ Apologizing can be
hard for men because it involves the admittance of fault.
§ That we were wrong.
Our pride gets in the way.
- Embarrassment.
§ If we messed, it
can be difficult to talk about it to the person we hurt or let down.
§ We feel stupid and
would rather pretend like it didn’t happen.
- Anger.
§ Apologizing for are
rarely a one way street (more on this later).
§ We probably did
something wrong, but the other person probably did too.
§ And sometimes our
anger overshoots and offended us more that we justify what we did and can’t get
past it to apologize.
- Humility.
§ The reason, we have
an overinflated view of our true selves. We’re always right; we always have it
together.
§ We mess up
sometimes. You have to accept your imperfection as a part of life.
§ Suppressing it will
cut you off from others. Embracing it will allow you to grow as a man.
When to Apologize
- Even when it’s not fully your fault.
§ Man who will not
apologize unless he feels 100% at fault for something. “But it’s not my fault!”
is his battle cry.
§ No situation is
100% one person’s fault.
o
Even
if the fault split is something like 1%/99%, you still need to work hard to
humble yourself and come to an understanding of what that 1% is rooted in.
o
Don’t
live your life as though every day you’re pleading your case before an
imaginary court, presenting evidence for why you are not at fault and are
innocent as charged.
§ You don’t have to
apologize for what truly wasn’t your fault, but you can find the things, no
matter how small, that you could have handled better.
§ Once you apologize
for those things that will get the ball rolling for the other person to own up
to their mistakes.
o
Don’t
let pride stop you from being the bigger person and taking the initiative.
- Even when you haven’t been caught.
§ You make a mistake,
hoping that no one would notice, and that if they did, they wouldn’t connect
the crime back to you.
o
This
is how a child handles his mistakes.
§ A man owns up to
his mistakes and offenses whether or not he thinks he will be held accountable.
- Quickly.
§ Apologize as soon
as you can after making a mistake or committing an offense.
§ The longer you
wait, the more resentment is going to build up on both sides, the harder it
will be to make the first move, and the more awkward the situation will become.
§ Be a man and nip it
in the bud.
When Not to Apologize
- For your beliefs.
§ If you offend
someone by standing up for your beliefs but
‘
o
failed
to debate like a gentleman and
o
attacking
the person personally, or
o
generally
acting stupid,
§ Then you should
apologize for your behavior.
§ If you’ve made a
completely respectful argument in favor of your position and a person is simply
offended because of the nature of your beliefs, then you should never apologize
for that.
§ Don’t be sorry for
what you hold near and dear to your heart.
- For everything.
§ Apologizes for his
appearance, for things that aren’t his fault and for perceived shortcomings
that no one notices until he brings them up.
§ Being a compulsive
apologizer is highly emasculating and instead of getting you into people’s good
graces as you might assume, will simply erode their respect for you.
How to Apologize
- Write it if you can’t say it.
§ Sometimes our
embarrassment or pride prevents us from going in person to apologize to
someone.
o
A
face to face apology is always ideal, if not
o
A
letter or note is actually a superior medium to talking because it allows you
to express all of your feelings without forgetting what you want to say or
running the risk of setting off another argument.
- Use humor when appropriate.
§ Some
self-deprecating humor can break the tension and cause you both to laugh -
drawing little cartoons and mishap can instantly dissipate anger.
- Be sincere.
§ A cardinal rule of
apologies. An insincere apology is in some ways worse than no apology at all.
§ The person’s hurt
over your offense will merely be compounded by their anger at your hypocrisy.
§ An insincere
apology may take the form of saying you’re sorry but saying it in such a way
that your lack sincerity.
- Take complete responsibility.
§ Never, ever make
any excuses while you’re apologizing.
§ They instantly ruin
the weight and sincerity of your confession. Don’t use any “buts.” As in “I’m
really sorry that happened, but….” A man takes full responsibility for his
mistakes.
- Express your understanding of why you were wrong and the weight of your mistake.
§ A person wants to fully
understand the seriousness of the situation, what you did was wrong and the
full consequences of your actions.
§ Nobody wants to
hear an apology from someone who clearly doesn’t know why they’re in the wrong
but feels like apologizing is what they’re “supposed” to do.
- Offer to make substitution.
§ This is a key part
of the apology process and make good for your misdeed.
§ This obviously
isn’t always possible. But if a situation can be fixed and rectified, that you
should pledge to do whatever it takes to do so.
·
Pledge better behavior in the future.
§ Notice that I said pledge and not promise. As human beings
we can make the same mistakes again.
§ I might be truly sorry for losing my temper on
someone, but I’m pretty sure that no matter how hard I try, it’s probably going
to happen again somewhere down the line.
§ When you promise
someone that something
o
Is
never going to happen again, you’re setting yourself up for a huge rift to
develop if it does.
o
The
person will be justifiably doubly hurt, because after all, “You promised!”
There are of course some things that you can be almost 100% sure you’ll never
do again, and if you feel absolutely confident in that, then make a promise.
But
§ Generally you
should simply pledge that you’re going to be working hard on fixing whatever
personality or behavioral faults led to your current offense. You can promise
that you’re going to be making an effort to change and turn things around.
- Prove with your actions.
§ In the end, words
will matter very little if your actions don’t match them.
§ After you’ve
apologized, stop dwelling on it. Simply start acting in a way that demonstrates
the sincerity of your apology.
- Move on.
§ Once you’ve given
your sincere apology, don’t apologize again.
§ Having you
continually apologize may be what the offended party thinks they want from you
and it may make them feel better in the short term.
A Few Final Truths:
§ The most important skills that are needed for us to
break out of the vengeance cycle are :
1) The
ability to notice our mental stories
2) To replace those that fuel defiance and
energize vengeance with those that fuel forgiveness.
§ By leaving the vengeance behind, we open up vast
reserves of energy we can better spend making good things happen in the world. None
of this can happen without humility.
§ And while it’s good to embrace your inner child to
energize creativity, there are still some parts of our childish nature that we
should leave behind.
§ Choosing forgiveness to put the best of yourself
forward is the way of the innovation leader. And yes, like many parts of being
a growing-up,
it’s difficult.
§ Revenge is easy, but it takes a man to apologise.
“An eye for an eye and
soon the whole world is blind.”
Mahatma Ghandi
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