Humanity : Deserted Sunset Years (Old Aged Abandoned)

Old Aged Abandoned

Introduction

The New York Times cited a survey by the American College of Emergency Physicians indicates that "up to 70,000 elderly patients were abandoned last year by family members who were unable or unwilling to care for them any longer."

The most common reason, the physicians said, "was due to depletion of emotional, not financial, resources."

The fastest growing segment of the U.S. population is people over the age of 85. The responsibility of taking care of them is now being called the "sandwich generation," baby boomers that are caring for their own children and their elderly parents, too.

For some it is too much.

Aging

The demographic and cultural context in which this takes place is vastly different now than it was a century ago. Then, few women worked outside the home, so someone was available to care for an ailing parent. Today, a changed culture combined with economic need has put most women in the labor force alongside their men, which means that there’s no one at home to take care of Mom or Dad when they need it. 
Then, life expectancy at birth was just over 48 years; today, it’s close to 80. Then, so few lived to 65 that there is no record of life expectancy at that age. Today, if we make it to 65, we can expect to live another 20 years. And one-third of those over 65 need some help in managing their daily lives; by the time they reach 85 (the fastest-growing segment of our population today), that number jumps to well over one-half.

The result: Middle-aged adults may well spend more years caring for a parent than they did for their children.

“Mother is becoming forgetful and confused. She doesn’t remember to take her medication, doesn’t prepare nutritious meals and forgets to turn off the fan, what can I do?”

“Should Father be allowed to drive? His vision is very poor. He’s had one minor accident, but seems to drive okay the four blocks to the store.”

“Mother needs 24-hour supervision. The only choices we have are for Mom to live with us or in a nursing home. Mom says she would rather die than live in a nursing home. But, Mom and I only seem to get along when we are living apart.”

These situations are difficult for families. The decline of a parent’s health or intellectual capacities often require adult children to become involved in decisions about a parent’s life. These decisions are not easy and there are no simple solutions. Each older person and family system is unique. The right answer for one family may be inappropriate for another faced with a similar situation and decision.

Many people never face major problems concerning aging parents. Their parents remain physically and mentally active until their death and need little or no assistance from their adult children. For other older persons, health, limited financial resources, or loneliness present serious problems.

There are few guidelines for dealing with the changes that occur when a parent’s health fails and for making the necessary decisions.

"Abandonment"?

      Abandonment is a relationship that occurs when an adult or child voluntarily...

•  denies or ignores key responsibilities (a role) that someone expects them to fulfill, like parental or marital obligations, and/or they...

•  choose to end an existing relationship with someone else despite their partner/s not wanting that. This is especially traumatic when the abandoned one depends on the other person for something important, like a child, disabled adult and the aged.

      Abandonment can be psychological (indifference, apathy, "coldness," lack of intimacy) in; nature and/or physical.

Causes of Abandonment

      An adult or child abandoning a family is generally caused by effects from the inherited ancestral [wounds, unawareness] cycle.

Quitting an assigned or chosen role (like parent, grandparent, husband, wife, partner, sibling, son, or daughter) and/or a relationship can occur because...

• the role (responsibility) or relationship was unwanted, and/or was accepted without understanding what it required; or...
• the person feels overwhelmed by responsibilities and/or stress (discomforts) in a relationship, role, or group (like a home or family); and/or...
• s/he feels incompetent, guilty, and ashamed of "failing" a dependent person and/or obligation; and s/he...
• (a) doesn't see how to correct these stressors, and loses hope of improvement; or (b) s/he doesn't want to correct them.

Each of these reasons is promoted by the person :

a.    being psychologically-wounded and unaware

b.    making unwise role and relationship choices  

c.    lacking knowledge and problem-solving ("coping") skills.

Impacts on the Family System

     Psychological or physical abandonment changes a family system's roles, roles, rituals, and traditions, subsystems, and social interactions in complex ways.

·         Changes can caused temporary or long-term anxieties until the family members adapt normal  function as a family 

·         The Abandoning person feels significant regret, guilt, shame, anxiety, relief, frustration and/ or remorse for a time, or chronically.

·         S/He may need to privately or so-cially distort what happened [e.g. deny it, and/or choose a victim role ("I had no choice!")] to justify their "irresponsible," "selfish," or "immoral" behavior.

·         Strained Relations and cause losses and stress

  Symptoms of Abandonment Issues

The feeling of loneliness, and the fear of not having anyone to care or love you, the feeling of rejection, is actually the feeling of being abandoned. The feeling of abandonment becomes inevitable when we lose those who have been very close to us.

Abandonment in Elderly People	Abandonment in Care-Giver  of    Elderly People
a.    After a certain age, elderly people start feeling worthless b.    Their body gives up and they start losing mental and physical strength c.    Start feeling unproductive d.    Self-esteem of an old person reaches an all-time low	a. Psychological or physical abandonment b.   changes a family system's roles, c.       roles, d. rituals, and traditions, subsystems, and e. social interactions in complex ways.
Visible Symptoms Sickness:	Visible Symptoms Sickness:
·         live with the curse of loneliness ·         get into severe depression ·         low self-esteem, ·         feeling of worthlessness, ·         loss of appetite, ·         fatigue, ·         withdrawal and ·         sleep disorders	·         may feel significant regret,       ·         guilt,         ·         shame,       ·         anxiety,       ·         relief,       ·         frustration and/ or      ·     remorse for a time, or chronically.        ·    so-cially distort what happened  to justify their "irresponsible," "selfish," or "immoral" behavior.
Ways to Help	Ways to Help
§  Use their knowledge and experience, to get over the depressing feelings §  Knitting, stitching or other fun things, can help as they take the mind off, of unwanted thoughts §  Making friends, and spending time with other elderly people can make things lighter. §  Going out for strolls is not only healthy, but also relaxing. §  Meditating can be of great help as it gives peace of mind.	§  A change often must be made in perceptions of the parent. §  spent time planning for the part you might play in your parent’s old age §  Reducing Strain in relationship §  Open communication is a key to building and maintaining effective relationships §  Carefully explore various options before making any decision

Dilemma

No one wants to ignore parental needs, but unless there are financial resources well beyond what most families can dream about, how to meet those needs is a problem with no easy solution.

For the children, it can mean bringing their parents into their homes and, among other things, dealing with a spouse’s grumblings about the intrusion in their lives, teenagers’ complaints about giving up the privacy of their rooms and coming home to Grandma or Grandpa after school – a tempest that sometimes strains marriages to the breaking point.

Providing Care for Elderly Parents

Providing care is stressful and demanding. For many, it can be the equivalent of a full-time job or more. Sleep patterns may be altered. Activity with others may be drastically reduced.

An adult child may need to assume a new role with his parent. A healthy spouse may need to become more assertive and assume greater control over his partner’s life. This can be particularly difficult if the caregiver has been the passive person in the relationship.

These role changes can cause fear, conflict and confusion for everyone. Ill persons may resent the burden they have created.

They may also feel anger and frustration in relinquishing roles, and feel out of control.

a.    A balance responsibility.

Caregivers can easily make offerings to meet the many obligations and responsibilities to the ill person while neglecting to other family members and to themselves. The impact of caregiving responsibilities, on everyone—children included. Caregiving can be a burden at the expense of your relationship with your spouse, own physical and emotional health, or welfare of your children. Time and energy may clash to maintain quality relationships with spouse and children, who may be unintentionally neglected.

b.   Own needs.

Self-sacrifice needs to be balanced with healthy buildup of your own needs. Sometime it may be detrimental to your own need and to the person who needs care. Providing heavy care and getting little sleep can leads to poor physical, emotional and spiritual health.

c.    Limitation.

Communicating your needs and what you can and cannot do for your parent and other family members is always a hindrance in caregiving. It is unrealistic and unfair to expect other people to know when you need help. Eliminate tasks which can be left undone.

d.    Delegates.

Care giving is an arduous and gigantisms task.  It may be upsetting that no help from family, friend, neighbor to assist in this hard times.

e.    Time for self.

This is not always easy to do, but it is important. Feeling guilty about leaving the ill person and enjoying themselves. Caregivers can jeopardize their own health, and lose efficiency and effectiveness. If you become physically or emotionally exhausted, you will find your susceptibility to illness increasing, your problem solving ability decreasing, your frustrations mounting, and your emotions getting out of control—all warning signals. Maintain your friendships. Leisure time has positive effects on morale and energy.

Realize that the decision to be a caregiver is not a permanent one. There may come a time when you are no longer able to provide care. Consider options including nursing home care, nursing home in advance.

Adapting to Abandonment

§  Coping with Feelings

Adult unresolved feelings can result in unwise and inappropriate decisions. Behaviors sometimes seen in adult that are the result of unresolved feelings include:

·   never visiting or contacting parents

·   over solicitous behavior – always trying to please a parent and doing everything for a parent who is never satisfied

·   fault finding – nothing is right with the care and support anyone else gives to the parent

·   martyr – making unreasonable demands on yourself and not letting others help with care giving.

A change often must be made in perceptions of the parent. Making this change can be emotionally painful.

§  Pre Crisis

Have you spent time planning for the part you might play in your parent’s old age? Most of us assume that our parents be self-sufficient all their life. As a result, most families are unprepared to handle a parent’s increased dependency on the family.

·         Talk with parents before a crisis develops and discuss future “what ifs.” Ask your parents what their wishes would be if they could no longer live at home.

Talking may not be easy, especially if frank discussion of emotional issues have been avoided in the past.

·         Take advantage of opportunities for discussion. Listen, encourage expression of feelings, and explore the future. The move of a parent’s friend to a nursing home or to live with adult children or the poor health of another can be natural times for talking.

§  Reducing Strain

Adults often find their aged parents need support at a time when their own lives are most complicated and their responsibilities heavy. A middle-aged, may feel the pulled in three or more directions—raising your children, being supportive to a spouse, working and helping aged parents.

If your parents are 80 or older, you are likely to be in your 60s or 70s and may be adjusting to age-related changes—retirement, reduced income, widowhood, poor or failing health—and may not be able to provide the assistance a parent needs.

·         Be positive, find a way out of the predicament

·         Blessed your life with the act of caregiver

·         Involve Parents in Making Decisions

Considering the parents, what is best for themselves. Too often decision is made   without consideration of the parties involved. This only contributes to feelings of isolation, helplessness, anxiety and perhaps, despair.

·         Shared decisions produce the best results.

·         Aged persons have a legal and moral right to participate in plans affecting their lives and to make their own decisions.

Involvement in decision making provides greater assurance that a parent will accept and adapt to change, even if it is not the parent’s choice.

§  Communicate Openly

Open communication is a key to building and maintaining effective relationships. Adult children and their parents frequently sometimes send wrong messages they feel their parent wants to hear or messages that will not upset their parent, rather than what is true.

·         Speaking from the standpoint of your personal feelings opens communication.

§  Explore Options

Carefully explore various options before making any decision.

·         A preconceived idea may not be the best solution.

·         Identify all implications of a change under consideration.

·         The effect on your parent, yourself and other family members.

Avoid making a decision irrevocable. Keep options open. Approach a decision from the perspective that this seems like the best decision for now. Families too often make decisions based on inadequate information.

Assess the resources of various family members and what they can contribute.

·         Avoid unrealistic expectations of family members.

·         Each of your brothers, sisters, children and spouse have a unique relationship with your parent. Sometimes, individual family members are experiencing stress in their own lives—for example, a troubled marriage, problems with teenage children, uncertainty about a job—that may limit the support they can give.

·         Avoid judging other family members and what they can or cannot contribute. This will often go a long way to building family solidarity.

A family conference can provide a form for open communication between family members. This helps avoid later undermining of the decision. Involved the older parent. A parent who is not able to attend should be kept informed of the proceedings and involved in the decisions as much as possible.

Honest sharing of feelings and open communication guarantee successful family conferences. If friction or anxiety prevents rational discussion, seek professional guidance.

§  Allow Parent Choices

Too much loving protection can be destructive to aging parents. Frail is natural; however, this is usually the last thing an older person wants or needs.

Strive for a balance between caring and over caring.

·         Taking over functions that your parent can still fulfill—even with difficulty—is likely to make your parent angry, depressed, or more dependent.

·         People resent forced dependency.

Avoid making assumptions about a parent’s ability, feelings or needs.

Before asking or forcing a mentally competent parent to make changes, ask yourself these questions:

·      Am I contemplating a protective environment for my parent’s sake or my own?

·      Are the dangers real or is it just that I would feel more comfortable and worry less knowing my parent is safe?

·      Would I feel too guilty if I let my parent take an occasional risk to live independently?

·      What does quality of life mean to my parent? To me?

Although a parent’s safety is important, this is not the only factor to consider when making decisions.

·         Focus on a parent’s strengths and remaining abilities as well as limitations. The limitations should not get in the way of seeing the whole person.

·         Avoid forcing your values on your parent. What you think is bad or best for your parent is not always accurate. Sometimes adult children are focused on a parent’s quantity of life while the parent is focused on quality of life.

If your parent is mentally competent and chooses to remain at home, that is your parent’s right and choice. If you are concerned, express your concerns by using “I” statements.

§  Avoid Promises and “Should”

Avoid making promises such as “We’ll never put you in a nursing home,” or “You can always live with us, Dad.” Circumstances may change. What may seem like the best solution now may not be true 5 or 10 years from now when your parents’ circumstances—or your own—change. Promises that cannot be kept often result in feelings of guilt and mistrust.

Adult children also often find themselves bombarded with “should” such as:

·      A good child should invite a parent to live in her home.

·      A loving child should not place a parent in a nursing home.

Do not let old promises, “should,” or guilt guide decisions. They reduce objectivity. As a result you are likely to make less satisfactory choices. Consider what is best for you, your family, and your aging parent.

 Excerpt :
Our First World way of caring for the elderly is a clumsy, exhausting tarantella. It is a force-partners of isolated caregiver with the impact of decline, disease, dementia, and death for the old.

"Having aging parents simultaneously orphaned me, saddled me with two insane strangers, and shoved every nightmare about my own future right into my face.

" Polly nearly bankrupted herself caring for her father, who has Alzheimer's.”

“Brooke has barely slept since her ailing mother-in-law moved in.”.

When a society forgets something people like the Navajo teach explicitly—
that caring for the elderly is a "blessing path" in which the whole community should participate. 
It is the hope that our  culture shows signs of collectively adopting this perspective, ways to regain the caregiving its sincerity values.

Excerpt and extracts taken from with many thanks :

§  http://articles.baltimoresun.com/1992-03-2/news/1992089007_1_elderly-parents-growing-phenomenon-people-with-alzheimer

§  http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/165775.html

§  Wikipedia

§  Buzzle: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/abandonment-issues-symptoms.html

§  http://sfhelp.org/gwc/abandon.htm

§  http://fcs.tamu.edu/families/aging/elder_care/helping_when_health_fails.php